To the boy that made me a mama… In the last few weeks, I’ve noticed that your limbs are getting longer, and you no longer need me to pick you up at the grocery store anymore but would rather walk alongside the shopping cart. Even though you’re only 6, I am painfully aware that you are no longer a baby. You’ll always be my baby, but I know that you’re not a baby anymore.
You are my first baby, and my eldest baby. With that, we always be experiencing many firsts as a mother-child dyad. Most recently, sending you to kindergarten was one of our very firsts together. Just like how you were the first baby I ever nursed, the first baby I ever worried sick about, the first baby I ever sent to preschool, the first baby that I ever taught how to walk, you are also the first baby that I am going to be releasing into the world. This terrifies me because I don’t always know what to do.
I don’t always know what to do when you are angry. Especially now that you have a strong opinion and are able to debate and rationalize with me, I don’t always know how to level with you. Sometimes I don’t know if I should give you space or if I should run after you when you storm into your room.
You’re my first baby, and I know that that means you get the “guinea pig mama.” I will admit I spied on you with your toy binoculars when I first sent you to preschool. I promise I won’t do that when you go to high school. Mama doesn’t always know what she’s doing because I’ve never had a 5 year old. I have never had a 6 year old, or a 7 year old, and so forth. We are experiencing these stages together for the first time. I’ll be a little more experienced with your siblings, but am your “first time mama.”
But I promise you this: I promise to hold my hand out to you even if you don’t always take it.
I promise to listen to you when you tell me that you’re angry.
I promise to not be the first to let go of a hug.
I promise to respect your voice when you tell me your feelings.
I promise that I will wait for you outside your room when you need space.
I promise to listen to you when you tell me that I am wrong.
I promise that I will always be your mama, and your FOREVER mama.